Damn. This is rough.
If you were to meet me in person and we struck up a conversation, one way or another it would begin to lead toward our life events. This is a common occurrence when meeting new people. In order to test the tepid waters of someone’s character, life experiences are often shared. Thus, bringing about the ability to locate shared interests, commonalities among life experiences, and connection on an emotional level. The part I always love in these unanticipated moments, is when I get to be the one holding space for the other person to share freely. I essentially am honored with their moment of hearing themselves.
I always say it is important to let it out and verbalize your feelings in order to truly hear them. This opens a discourse between the self you portray, and the true self you may not realize exists. Now, it is important to state that how, when, and where you verbalize is up to you. If you are one that sees therapy as a great outlet, use it. If running wild through the woods is more your speed, go crazy. No matter what, let yourself be heard by your own ears.
Unless you are like me. You know the type. Talk the big game, be insightful, and yet use absolutely none of it for your own well-being.
I have replayed many conversations in my mind where I shared my story and my feelings. Each time I find one comparable fragment; I was thinking and re-experiencing in the third person. The words of descriptive emotion poured from my mouth, but I never once felt them. Not truly. I have spent years finding ways to disassociate my inner self and my portrayed self from one another.
All this time, I just thought my subconscious was taking this action to ensure I hid from the outside world and other people. Nope. It was hiding me from own self.
I find I am needing to be louder in order to hear myself. How am I going to do this, you may ask? Well, you are looking at the beginning process. These chronicles, I am finding, are a way of making me re-read my truths. Whatever pours from within me onto these pages, I am forced to read and truly consider.
I think this is a newfound bravery I did not know I had. The courage to finally show myself who I am and all that might entail.
Damn. This is rough, and therefore must be worth the challenge.
With hope,
Anndi
Commentaires