Starting off strong don't you agree? I have spent so long trying to find the words to describe why I was so broken by my ex-husband. I kept trying to provide a viewpoint of "benefit of the doubt" for his perspective. Trying to rationalize the actions, or lack thereof, taken by him. Trying, trying, trying. That was all I was doing. Until now.
I have been afraid to write this as I realize it will paint a black and white image of the past, when time is always filled with grey area that is hard to see and understand. The fact of the matter is, I was dropped, forgotten, and left alone.
I feel some back story is needed to provide context.
My ex-husband and I were high school sweethearts. We met in a hallway of our school and in an instant sparks flew for the both of us. It was a happenstance meet, a "cute meet" if you will. He was the first to say I love you, the first to initiate the kiss, and for all I knew at the time he was my forever and I was his. We had a close knit friend group that was rooting for us and we had become the established couple of the group; the mom and dad.
Moving forward about a year he decided he wanted to join the Army. With the help of myself and our families he joined up right after our high school graduation.
Start the Hallmark reel....
During his time at bootcamp we sent each other letters all the time. Very rarely could we talk on the phone. There was one time I missed his call and it devasted us both. The love letters kept pouring in with plans for the future. He came home from bootcamp and the reunion was blissful. Both of us just under 20 years of age with our lives so bright and open in front of us. I remember when he took me to dinner at Anthony's Hearthfire Grill in Olympia, WA. He was acting so strange and by the end of the night I went to grab my purse and turned around and he was down on one knee. Simple action and I was hooked and engaged. He was then sent off to Alaska as his duty station and I stayed back in Washington to plan the wedding and prep to uproot my life to Alaska. Our wedding occurred in 2011 and we were surrounded by family and friends.
Moving to and living in Alaska was an incredible experience. We created a life together. Went from an apartment to a home that we owned. He then got his orders to deploy to Afghanistan and while he was away I had surgery to remove what I didn't know was a tumor growing in me, Cancer.
He arrived back home the day after my surgery and we had our first kiss in months with me in a hospital gown and him in his uniform. Again, Hallmark could only dream of this real footage.
But this is where it all spiraled, went downhill, and blew up. During my entire treatment when I needed him most, he passed me to the side. Even after getting the full support and leave when needed from his commanding officers, he still put work above me. I am not discounting the duties of a soldier. I completely support and honor the duties of our soldiers.
The duties of soldiers come with hardships of their own. You see, he was dealing with his own PTSD that he would not acknowledge. So far deep in it that twice I woke up in the middle of the night to him choking me while fully asleep. It was not intentionally done by any means! It was only when he woke up and saw the faint hand marks on my neck that he broke with tears and apologies.
The conversation that occurred with his officers enlightened them to the truth of what was occurring with me and my ex as he had not told them, even though he told me that he had. After this meeting, my ex pulled me aside and proceeded to yell at me for going behind his back and setting up the meeting as he "had it handled." I explained it was never my intention to hurt him, but only to help him and us through all that we were experiencing.
My fault. It all came down to being my fault.
Him having to leave his tour in Afghanistan early to come home to me because of my emergency surgery. My hair loss and it being "difficult to love me." Him not having more time with his buddies because I needed him home to help care for me. It was all my fault. I went from being loved by this man, to being gaslighted and left stranded. I think the worst part when I look back on this, all of this was unconsciously done by him.
As odd as that may sound, I think I would have preferred him to do all of this on purpose. It would have made it easier I guess to understand. But instead, I spent this time with him thinking I wasn't enough. Maybe it was all my fault. How could I be so selfish with my needs when he just returned from a war? It wasn't fair to him. I could go on, but I think you get the image being painted.
There were many nights where hiding in the dark closet, amongst the warmth of the hanging clothes, was my solace and comfort so he would not see me despair further. It was for him.
All I wanted was to be wanted. But when it came down to it, it was my mom in the hospital overnight with me when I couldn't talk and my blood levels dropped so low I shouldn't be alive. It was my mom calling for the nurses to help me since I couldn't push the button inches from my fingers for help. Not my husband, who was at home sleeping soundly in our bed. When my mom told me he was coming to visit me in the hospital, I saved every ounce of strength I could to just have the energy to open my eyes for awhile to see him and move my hand enough to hold his.
He came in the room, said hi to me, talked a little to me, and then when I went to open my eyes and talk to him he put my hand back down by my side and claimed it was for me to rest. My mom had even told him what I needed from him, he just couldn't do it I guess. He stayed for maybe an hour or so and then left the hospital to go back to our home.
Left alone, laying in the hospital, unable to speak due to extreme exhaustion, unable to cry. Just left trapped in my head with no one to hear me.
Looking back on all of this, I am able to see parts of his point of view. I can't, nor will I per my own values, put myself in his shoes. Instead, I can respect his fear of the unknown.
Bringing us out of the past and into the here and now, I hear he is doing well and has a wonderful family. We do not keep in contact and nor do I feel we should. Not out of spite, but out of respect for the past we did share and the futures we are destined to have.
I say this man WAS my forever. I amend this statement. He IS my forever. My forever battle buddy during a time neither of us could have predicted or prepared for.
To this man, I just want to say, Thank you for the experiences, good and bad.
I forgive you.
With hope,
Anndi
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